On the power of men and virtual harassment

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Just a few days ago, a man who pretended to be someone else, took the liberty (not sure from where) to engage in what he thought was perhaps quite an entertaining engagement. Not sure how many women out there these days get virtually harassed and how (not that there are any appealing ways of being harassed) but this man was extraordinary. He was persistent, annoying, frustrating and intimidating. And he had no intention to stop (or so it seemed at the time).

It all began with a message he sent on August 2nd from a US number. Since this was a non-Turkish number I was genuinely confused and thought perhaps it was a friend. I asked a few times who he was. At first he said his name was Alp and that he found my phone number through a friend. I congratulated him for having such true friends but asked him not to bother me. It didn’t work, after blocking him, I received another message two days later, on August 3- he actually said by blocking him “the problem won’t get resolved”. “We are going to talk”, read his message. I don’t know which problem but I blocked him again, and asked WhatsApp to address the issue.

In the meantime I learned that, WhatsApp cares little of its users rights and cases as such. Because he was persistent, once again, I received a message from him on that very same day and again from a new number.

The following day, he decided to try a different tactic- calling me names although I am not sure where he was trying to get with that. I blocked him again. There was another message from him right after and another and another and another.

Basically I kept receiving text messages from him during the day each time from a new number (as I continued blocking him). Blocking him must have worked, since on August 6, he finally told me what his real name was and to make it more legit he sent his photograph (like, here, in your face, I can harass you and there is nothing you could do, even if you have a picture of me).

He started asking stupid questions about my work. Quoting my articles I have written and etc. This time I decided to respond, but only with question marks figuring that talking won’t help and will only frustrate me further and perhaps this would frustrate him in return.

To my surprise this worked. Well, not really. He started with saying he hated Azerbaijanis and although was ethnically an Azerbaijani he despised them (apparently they have done something to him) and so he decided to take revenge on a random person- which ended up being me.

Maybe it was my work that spared me the harassment. He said he appreciated my critical approach about Azerbaijan and that I wasn’t like the rest of them (not sure what he meant by this either). He did confess- just like that- that if this wasn’t case he would have continued to harass me (yes, he actually said this).

He said he didn’t actually live in the US but in Istanbul and that he wasn’t angry with my work at an Armenian/Turkish paper (as if I cared about his opinions?!)

He had the balls however to even joke about my complaints to Twitter (yes, he was stocking me there) and poke fun at my failed attempt to get WhatsApp do something about him. Turns out my Twitter followers weren’t real he said. But the highlight of it wall was his continuous assurance in himself and that he could just continue doing this harassment.

I was appalled by all of this. It was so frustrating. And it felt even more frustrating that I couldn’t do anything about this. Blocking obviously didn’t help. Complaining didn’t help either. Some guy just randomly picks you and it begins. And if you are lucky it stops at some point, your harasser gets tired of you maybe. Who knows how their logic works (not that they really have any). But I am indeed lucky- he stopped (at least for now). But the helplessness of the situation was daunting.

He wrote he had a girlfriend many years ago but after breaking up with her (in a very bad way- whatever that means given the insanity of his behavior) he decided to take his revenge on other women.

But how do we address this? Is there a way to address this? And surely, I understand that there are worse stories than this one but who gives the right? How many women go through and will go through these ordeals every day and can’t do anything?

Not that I have answers to these questions. I just thought I share this. Feels better to get it off my chest.

The men who stare at women (and goats too probably)

I loved that book "The men who stare at goats" but this is not about Jon Ronson's witty creation. Its more about the men who stare at women on the subway in Baku, the modern, flashing, glitzy capital of Azerbaijan. 

It was around 11.30pm. After a fun evening with my friends in town, it was time to go home. We said our goodbyes, and with one more friend we took the subway. She stayed on, while I had to switch lines and that's when all the fun began. In fact, the fun began already when we got on the subway, but I paid little attention to that- after all it was the two of us and we were chatting away. Waiting for the train on the platform surrounded by only men- how do girls get back home in this town? Taxis? Rides from their friends? Family members driving them home? No metros? Really? I wonder at what time does metro as a means of transportation, stops being means of transportation for women in this city? 

Apparently its all of the above. I wasn't the only female on the metro of course. There were few more, maybe four or five of us. But certainly we were a minority. And that was when "the men who stare at goats" title came to mind. I just had to alter it a bit to fit the proper situation. 

The men who stare at women are men who consider their eyes a god given right to... well... stare! And its not just a quick look! Its like eyeballing! As if their eyeballs are about to fall out and they absolutely must suck in everything that's around them (preferably "everything" in a moving form of a female). It was a difficult moment- no, it was a challenging subway ride. It felt as if I was visually harassed- and there was so much of it that it felt uncomfortable. 

In the meantime I examined and studied carefully every single dent on the wall of the subway station, on the floor of the subway station, on the signs of the subway. Soon there was nothing left to study and I had no interest in starting to re-count every single marble stone on the platform. Instead, I took out my book from my purse and started to read. I think it would have been ironic had I "The men who stare at goats" with me. But thats not the book I had.  

I continued reading, feeling the heat of looks multiply with every second. I mean, not only was I on the subway at that hour alone, but I could also read apparently! It was getting annoying. I wanted to lift my eyes and stare back at them. But had I done that, it would have been considered inappropriate and that I was attempting to flirt with them and god knows what else it could have meant in their perverted tiny little minds. And so I read. Luckily, the stop I had to get off at wasn't too far. And so there I was. Back on the platform, quickly walking away from the train. I got on the escalator, but didn't wait and decided to walk up. I realized how deep the tunnel was on this station, slowly taking deep breaths, trying to calm my heart beat. 

I was so happy to breath in the fresh air of the night. I was out. It felt nice not to be stared at anymore. I walked home, thinking how strange it must feel for Azerbaijani women to go through this experience every day. After all, it wasn't just a one time thing. This happens every day, every time on the subway, on the bus. Its like they get fixated on you, as if trying to eat you alive with their looks. Maybe its an exaggeration, but it certainly did feel that way. 

Mentality of our Azerbaijani bones

I have lived in several countries in my 20 something life, and nowhere did I hear the word mentality used so often than in my home sweet home Azerbaijan. 

What is this mentality? Some degree of machismo? Or maybe superiority?

Apparently in Azerbaijan it means a lot. For instance, comedians dressing up in women's clothes (which is something many comedians around the world do) is considered "as contradictory to Azerbaijani mentality". Or so says, one of our parliament members Fazil Mustafa. I wonder what else Mr. Mustafa considers as contradictory after hearing him say this. 

I am just curious since when this has become contradictory? Its been done through centuries. Should I remind you of Shakespeare?

You see this is why Azerbaijan is lagging behind with the whole concept of gender equality and women's rights. I am not a feminist, nor will I ever be one (this is just a side note for those whose minds it crossed). I am just for equality and for removal of such senseless expressions as "against/contradictory to mentality". Yes we have a very traditional society where men and women are not treated as equals, where woman's place is at home and man's at work, where women get most of the time off work when they give birth and men get none, even though the baby belongs to both of them, and they should both be entitled to spend the initial (and crucial) first months with the baby and... Wait a second, where was I? Ah right, family, equality and gender, oh and lets not forget the key word in this post- mentality!

So yes, mentality and what contradicts it- maybe its time we really start breaking the stereotypes within our heads?! Mentality is just another excuse for men and sometimes even women to bring it up as an argument, an exit strategy. It doesn't suit us!

Talking about women in Azerbaijan

Yesterday I had an opportunity to speak about women rights and their presence online in Azerbaijan. Here is the video.

Interview with Arzu Geybullayeva @ IGF12 from APC on Vimeo.

Hijab debate in Azerbaijan

I have been meaning to write on this matter. But I have been putting it off for various reasons. I wont get in too many why's but a piece I just saw on NY Times prompted me to write few things on this matter. 

Azerbaijan is a predominantly Muslim country. According to this article that was published by Washington Post:

In Baku, an ancient seaport in which Zoroastrian ruins coexist with brilliantly lighted glass skyscrapers, young couples hold hands or embrace on park benches along the broad, tree-lined promenade that hugs the Caspian shoreline — public displays of affection that are officially banned in Tehran. Women and girls in designer jeans hunt for bargains at Western clothing stores such as Bebe and Benetton. Head scarves are rare, but karaoke bars and nightclubs are plentiful along the downtown thoroughfares choked with traffic and new construction.

Not that I found Washing Post article in any way correct, in fact, many things in the article weren't quite right but thats a different story. So back to religion, Islam, and predominantly Shia state, where "head scarves are rare but karaoke bars and nightclubs are plentiful" things are not as "brilliant" and "embraced" as the article claims. Moreover, if you read the NYT article, you would see that things are far than being calm. These clashes between Muslim activists and the government are not happening for the first time. There were others too especially after a ban on head scarves at schools in 2009. 

About two weeks ago, I had a conversation on Twitter about this issue. More precisely a young man asked me whether I was for or against hijab at schools. My response was negative. A child, or young female student should not be forced to wear hijab because the religious community wants her to. If its her decision when she comes of age then she could wear whatever she wants. The man on Twitter quickly accused me of immorality claiming I approved explicit clothing especially on younger girls. 

This type of thinking- that one can dress only one way or live only specific way- is a growing trend at home. And I am not afraid to make generalizations in this case. Let young women decide themselves whether they want to wear hijab or not and not impose that on them at a younger age. And don't tell me that this is what all Muslim women of all ages should do. We live in a world and a time when women spend twice as much time as men on domestic work; work longer hours; many women around the world still do not meet international standard for duration of maternity leave; becoming heads of state is still elusive with only 14% of women in the world holding some government position; women face daily violence- sexual, psychological, economic, social- at home and outside; because of existing traditions and so- called customs, women have limited access to land and other types of property; women have fewer cash income. 

So please don't tell me that all we have left to deal and solve is whether young girls of school age should be wearing a hijab at school. And even if all of the problems are solved, as I said, let the women decide themselves whether they want to wear a hijab or any other religious dress at an age when they can actually make these decisions themselves.

As for the WP article, well, I guess the writers should talk more about religion in Azerbaijan and how much it impacts lives of women (and not just simplify it to karaoke bars, young couples holding hands, and girls wearing designer clothes) in this country. And as for the clashes, well, there is little that could be done here as long as women are treated as objects of pressure...

The lucky number seven

The male vs. female equality is a topic widely debated not only in Azerbaijan but in many countries across the world. We do not question the reality of what if we actually were not born just because we were a boy or a girl or our parents made that decision for us. Imagine that your life abruptly ended somewhere down the first few weeks. It is hard to imagine, because it didn't happen to many of us but we should not forget about so many lives of tiny, helpless, little human beings that are ended just because their parents or elders or uncles and brothers chose to do so because they are simply the male figure, because they can.

This is an article I wrote recently for Osservatorio Balcani e Caucaso on selective abortion in Azerbaijan. It makes me wonder how many lives were ended, do you?

Azerbaijan Seven Sons and One Daughter

Child marriage

It was on one of my visits to Azerbaijan for field work, when I met young girls still in school, engaged, waiting to get married. Child marriage is a problem everywhere across the world. In countries like Ethiopia, Afghanistan, and elsewhere this is considered a common practice. The younger the bride, the better is the common thinking. No one thinks of their future, their education, their life as young mothers- to- be. 

This documentary takes us on a journey of child marriage and abuse. All the while men in most of these countries including Azerbaijan get special satisfaction in luring young girls into the world of abuse, anger and pain. We must take responsibility for our actions. Parents of these young girls who get engaged or married off at a young age, must take responsibility and understand that a girl, is not a thing to be sold for money, food or a house. A daughter is a human being too who has equal rights as her brothers. We must continue raising awareness and educating those who don't know...

You can learn more about the project here.