On the power of men and virtual harassment

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Just a few days ago, a man who pretended to be someone else, took the liberty (not sure from where) to engage in what he thought was perhaps quite an entertaining engagement. Not sure how many women out there these days get virtually harassed and how (not that there are any appealing ways of being harassed) but this man was extraordinary. He was persistent, annoying, frustrating and intimidating. And he had no intention to stop (or so it seemed at the time).

It all began with a message he sent on August 2nd from a US number. Since this was a non-Turkish number I was genuinely confused and thought perhaps it was a friend. I asked a few times who he was. At first he said his name was Alp and that he found my phone number through a friend. I congratulated him for having such true friends but asked him not to bother me. It didn’t work, after blocking him, I received another message two days later, on August 3- he actually said by blocking him “the problem won’t get resolved”. “We are going to talk”, read his message. I don’t know which problem but I blocked him again, and asked WhatsApp to address the issue.

In the meantime I learned that, WhatsApp cares little of its users rights and cases as such. Because he was persistent, once again, I received a message from him on that very same day and again from a new number.

The following day, he decided to try a different tactic- calling me names although I am not sure where he was trying to get with that. I blocked him again. There was another message from him right after and another and another and another.

Basically I kept receiving text messages from him during the day each time from a new number (as I continued blocking him). Blocking him must have worked, since on August 6, he finally told me what his real name was and to make it more legit he sent his photograph (like, here, in your face, I can harass you and there is nothing you could do, even if you have a picture of me).

He started asking stupid questions about my work. Quoting my articles I have written and etc. This time I decided to respond, but only with question marks figuring that talking won’t help and will only frustrate me further and perhaps this would frustrate him in return.

To my surprise this worked. Well, not really. He started with saying he hated Azerbaijanis and although was ethnically an Azerbaijani he despised them (apparently they have done something to him) and so he decided to take revenge on a random person- which ended up being me.

Maybe it was my work that spared me the harassment. He said he appreciated my critical approach about Azerbaijan and that I wasn’t like the rest of them (not sure what he meant by this either). He did confess- just like that- that if this wasn’t case he would have continued to harass me (yes, he actually said this).

He said he didn’t actually live in the US but in Istanbul and that he wasn’t angry with my work at an Armenian/Turkish paper (as if I cared about his opinions?!)

He had the balls however to even joke about my complaints to Twitter (yes, he was stocking me there) and poke fun at my failed attempt to get WhatsApp do something about him. Turns out my Twitter followers weren’t real he said. But the highlight of it wall was his continuous assurance in himself and that he could just continue doing this harassment.

I was appalled by all of this. It was so frustrating. And it felt even more frustrating that I couldn’t do anything about this. Blocking obviously didn’t help. Complaining didn’t help either. Some guy just randomly picks you and it begins. And if you are lucky it stops at some point, your harasser gets tired of you maybe. Who knows how their logic works (not that they really have any). But I am indeed lucky- he stopped (at least for now). But the helplessness of the situation was daunting.

He wrote he had a girlfriend many years ago but after breaking up with her (in a very bad way- whatever that means given the insanity of his behavior) he decided to take his revenge on other women.

But how do we address this? Is there a way to address this? And surely, I understand that there are worse stories than this one but who gives the right? How many women go through and will go through these ordeals every day and can’t do anything?

Not that I have answers to these questions. I just thought I share this. Feels better to get it off my chest.

The men who stare at women (and goats too probably)

I loved that book "The men who stare at goats" but this is not about Jon Ronson's witty creation. Its more about the men who stare at women on the subway in Baku, the modern, flashing, glitzy capital of Azerbaijan. 

It was around 11.30pm. After a fun evening with my friends in town, it was time to go home. We said our goodbyes, and with one more friend we took the subway. She stayed on, while I had to switch lines and that's when all the fun began. In fact, the fun began already when we got on the subway, but I paid little attention to that- after all it was the two of us and we were chatting away. Waiting for the train on the platform surrounded by only men- how do girls get back home in this town? Taxis? Rides from their friends? Family members driving them home? No metros? Really? I wonder at what time does metro as a means of transportation, stops being means of transportation for women in this city? 

Apparently its all of the above. I wasn't the only female on the metro of course. There were few more, maybe four or five of us. But certainly we were a minority. And that was when "the men who stare at goats" title came to mind. I just had to alter it a bit to fit the proper situation. 

The men who stare at women are men who consider their eyes a god given right to... well... stare! And its not just a quick look! Its like eyeballing! As if their eyeballs are about to fall out and they absolutely must suck in everything that's around them (preferably "everything" in a moving form of a female). It was a difficult moment- no, it was a challenging subway ride. It felt as if I was visually harassed- and there was so much of it that it felt uncomfortable. 

In the meantime I examined and studied carefully every single dent on the wall of the subway station, on the floor of the subway station, on the signs of the subway. Soon there was nothing left to study and I had no interest in starting to re-count every single marble stone on the platform. Instead, I took out my book from my purse and started to read. I think it would have been ironic had I "The men who stare at goats" with me. But thats not the book I had.  

I continued reading, feeling the heat of looks multiply with every second. I mean, not only was I on the subway at that hour alone, but I could also read apparently! It was getting annoying. I wanted to lift my eyes and stare back at them. But had I done that, it would have been considered inappropriate and that I was attempting to flirt with them and god knows what else it could have meant in their perverted tiny little minds. And so I read. Luckily, the stop I had to get off at wasn't too far. And so there I was. Back on the platform, quickly walking away from the train. I got on the escalator, but didn't wait and decided to walk up. I realized how deep the tunnel was on this station, slowly taking deep breaths, trying to calm my heart beat. 

I was so happy to breath in the fresh air of the night. I was out. It felt nice not to be stared at anymore. I walked home, thinking how strange it must feel for Azerbaijani women to go through this experience every day. After all, it wasn't just a one time thing. This happens every day, every time on the subway, on the bus. Its like they get fixated on you, as if trying to eat you alive with their looks. Maybe its an exaggeration, but it certainly did feel that way. 

Celebrating Women- only once a year!

Today is March 8th- International Women's Day. The day when all the men around the world (or at least in places where this day is celebrated) congratulate women around them. They buy them presents, boxes of chocolates, and flowers. In fact, florists are probably the happiest people on this day, because its THE day of profits. Its great and all when you look at it from a festive point of view bu...

The flowers, the chocolate and the presents: 

Don't we deserve flowers every day rather than just one day in a calendar that has 364 other days based on the logic of all the messages and cards that are sold on this day (oh women are like flowers, they need to be treated well and sought after type of cards and messages)? How difficult is it to buy flowers for the women surrounding you on other days? Whats the excuse? And can I just say this?! I don't need anyone to take care of me thank you very much! I am perfectly capable of looking after myself, even if that means staying alone for the rest of my life and being called a feminist- because thats the excuse people who think otherwise tend to use.

Oh, its March 8th, lets go buy mom a present?! Why?! There are no other days, no other reasons to buy moms presents? They take care of us all their life, and yet, the only time we justify presents is on March 8th? Or what about our wives? Our sisters? Our friends? And I am not talking about massive, expensive presents, I am talking about simple things to express appreciation. Full stop!

Respect:

And what about Respect? Is this the only day in the year when women get to be respected? Not harassed? (Though I am sure as I write these words millions of women out there are getting harassed) Not treated like crap? Are employed as secretaries and lower paid jobs just because they are women and even if they are qualified to do better jobs (not to mention higher payed), just because their male boss(es) simply thinks he can, he does?!

Violence, tradition, norms:

What about violence? Do we honestly think that by being so sweet and kind on this day makes women who suffer violence suffer it less? Men who beat their wives, daughters and sisters less? Brothers who are ordered by their fathers to murder their sisters simply because some other man, looked at them? Young girls who are married off to older men simply because their fathers want to? Governments who pretend to care but never take measures against violence at home, gender equality and early marriages? 

And what about women who are forced to stay at home and take care of the households? Who are not allowed to study? Who are not allowed to travel? Who are not allowed to do anything?

Yes, it is March 8th, yes, we are flowers, yes, you love us all very much but lets just pause the frenzy for a moment. Perhaps, March 8th, should be the day, when we remind ourselves of the things other powerful, inspiring women have done in the world and take a lesson. Stop for a moment and think of all the injustice that was done against women and all the crimes that still are being committed against women simply because men can? Perhaps, this should be the day, when all of us, remind our governments and the world that a lot more needs to be done to improve the equality, to change mindsets, to educate, and then celebrate the cause. Happy International Women's Day! 

Azerbaijan and Freedom two distant concepts?!

Source: http://indexoncensorship.org/azerbaijan-interent-censorship-free-speech/